The Doctor

I went and saw Dr. Hodges today, my old doctor who I stopped seeing about a year ago. I told him about all of the ridiculousness of Elizabeth and her med screw up. He said "have you noticed the rash on your face?" He made me go look in the mirror, and I saw the faint redness on the sides of my face and cheeks. He told me it was photosensitivity, probably a side effect from the Lamictal. He called the psych doctor who took care of me in hospital and asked how serious it was, if I needed to quit the med. She said it was worrisome, so he is titrating me down off of it. He said I can get more depressed going off of it, so he's adding Celexa. He gave me some Ativan also for now.

To be honest, I would just like to be off of all medications period. I know that's not possible at the moment, but I hope I reach a point in my life where I can be alight with myself and the world. I want to feel that peace, to have that life I want so badly. I feel like things are so messed up right now. I'm really uncomfortable in my current situation and I feel like I should be doing something different.

I'm hoping with disability I will be able to find a sense of independence. Maybe get my own place for awhile or something so Ron and I can have some space while we both go through our struggles. I haven't run that idea by him yet, but it's sitting there in the back of my mind. I just feel like our relationship has been very toxic lately. I love him, I do. But things are just too strained at home for me to feel comfortable and safe.

I had a panic attack in DBT last night... I wanted to leave so bad, but Cherity insisted I was in a safe place. I stuck it out, but I am so embarrassed. I don't know if I want to go back. I really don't want to go back to be honest... I can't afford it right now and the stress I have every week just going there isn't worth it. I have the book now, so I should be able to work my way through it and use it as a reference for the future. But the class itself just bothers me. I just have to get the guts to call Cherity and let her know I'm not coming back... or maybe I just won't show up anymore.. I don't know.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all of this counseling. I haven't felt very stable the last few days, since the Geodon mess up from Elizabeth. Ugh.. I'm really unhappy with her and her office. Its whatever though. I'm happy I'm back with my old doctor. He makes me feel more like a person and not just a disorder. I've been the healthiest while seeing him in the past. I'm hoping to get back to that place.

Bedtime... I hope I can sleep!

Hilarious..

Literally the second that I posted my last post, I got a call from Social Security stating that I have been approved for disability!

Perfect timing. :)

Frustrations

I can't deal with life right now. Holy shit, I am being pushed over the edge.

We are so broke it's ridiculous. I'm stressed to the max about money and how we are supposed to afford to even live. Ron says he will take care of it, but he has wasted so much money on alcohol in the last little while that I don't know how he's going to "take care of it." I'm still not working, so I have been of no help in that way. I keep having to borrow money from my dad to make ends meet, and do you know how horrible that makes me feel? REALLY horrible. Like I am just an overall horrible person who can't even take care of her own. Frustrating.

I picked up my pills from my doctors office yesterday. When I went to take them last night, I realized they didn't look the same. Oh, nice. My doctor had ordered me 60 mg tablets of Geodon instead of 80 mg tablets. I called her office this morning and do you know what they said to me? "You'll have to come see her to figure it out." Hello, I have no fucking money, so how am I supposed to go see her? So now I have a 90 day supply of 60 mg tablets of Geodon that are what, supposed to go to waste? They said I needed to call FreeMed to straighten it out, even though it takes them 3 effing weeks to get meds in. Oh oh.. they just can't admit to their own mistake, that she wrote the wrong dosage, because how the fuck else would they send the wrong pills? It's fucking FRUSTRATING.

I'm about sick of that place and Elizabeth. They wouldn't even let me talk to her on the phone. How ridiculous is that? I made an appointment with my other doctor, Dr. Hodges, for tomorrow so hopefully we can figure something out. I listed him as my primary care provider for Medicaid, so hopefully they will cover it. I don't have a card yet, but I have my number. Hoping that's enough for them.

So I have been very short, irritable, and just plain in a bad mood the past couple of days. I don't want to go to DBT tonight. I can't afford to keep going to DBT, even though my parents said they would pay for it because they've noticed and enormous difference in my attitude since taking the class. Still feel bad for mooching money off of my parents.

What fucking good am I to anybody anymore?

Whine whine whine... bleh. It's whatever. I've been maintaining, barely, and I'm thinking this is the start of my spiral downward into depression and wanting to hurt myself and thinking about offing myself. Hope not, but it feels like it. Who knew 40 mg would make such a huge difference? Fuck Geodon. Fuck pills. I just don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to have to deal with this poor me shit anymore. I want to be able to have a job, have money, and take care of myself.

I'm struggling with finding the positives.

I worry about my son, seeing me go through all of this. We have talks of medications and illness in front of him, and I don't know what he really thinks about it. He knows I see doctors and take pills, and go crazy from time to time. What kind of impact do I have on him though? Especially since I home school him... he is around me 24/7. Oh, I'm struggling with that as well. Debating on whether to put him into school next year or not, even though it goes against everything I believe in. I just don't know if I can handle it.

Well, I know I can, and I have been. It's just been a bad week.

The trip went well, I ended up going, and had a somewhat good time, until I got back home. Things at home have been shit for awhile, but I don't talk about that here. Just more whining. I think things will start to get better here shortly, if I can pull my head out of my ass and get to being less depressed and stop hating myself so much. God, why do I hate myself so much?

Hmm. I don't know what else to say. Maybe there is nothing else to say.

I'm just done with the world today.

I'm Putting This Out There

I made a more private blog. I will still be blogging here, but I feel there are some things I wish to get out there that are inappropriate for this site, seeing as it's pretty public. If you would like access to this blog, email me, tell me who you are, and I will decide if I am willing to let you see the darker side of things.

My head hurts. I'm over thinking things and tearing myself down, but at the same time, building myself back up. I had a fairly good day today. It was just my son and I. He decided to go with Dylan, so I had some alone time to read and cook some dinner. It was nice.

I want to learn to crochet more. Better. I want to play the piano again, if I can remember how to. Nic, you inspire me, and I want to learn more and more about the piano. How I wish I had your talent. I used to play, years ago. My parents still own my piano, and I want it so desperately, but there is nowhere in this house for it. Mom wants to get rid of it. It makes me sad. Perhaps I shall go over there and practice some more. Maybe these hands will remember what it is like to feel the keys and play the music.

I am struggling to wake up in the mornings. It is rather horrible. I set an alarm, always, and I end up silencing it and going back to sleep. I just feel so drowsy and drugged. I feel like I physically cannot get up until after 10 a.m. I know I was capable of it in the past, as I was at work at 6 a.m., but since the Geodon and Lamictal, I have been a zombie. And it never knocks me out when I want it to. Around 3 a.m. is usually when the effects kick in. Way too many hours after I have taken the pills. It should work sooner than that, but for some reason it is delayed and I am left to lie in bed forever attempting to shut off my mind.

I went to a sexual abuse survivors group the other day. It was enlightening and empowering, and I look forward to going to more of them. Maybe I will share more... maybe not. I shared a bit this week, as did others, and it made me feel not so alone. Topic of discussion was safety though, and they all shared experiences of when they felt safe... and I was the only one who said I have never felt safe in my life. I don't remember a time of feeling safe. I don't feel safe from myself, so how am I supposed to feel safe with other people? It's scary to think about, not feeling safe. How have I gotten this far in life without feeling safety, without even the slightest clue of what safety looks like? But I push on. I will be looking for that safe place.

I may be going on a trip with a friend of mine this week. An over night trip four hours away. I'm not sure if I am ready for it or not. Maybe I will back out. I would like to go, but I know she is going to be seeing other friends while we are there, and situations like that make me feel very awkward. Like a third wheel. I never know what to say or how to act. I don't know if we will be spending an extra night there or not. We haven't discussed our plans much, other than me telling her that I would go with. So we will see how that plays out. I hope I have the guts to go.

I also ran into a girl who lives in my area on an online forum. We have been texting and she wants to meet up with me tomorrow to hang out. We have plans to go work out at the gym. I haven't told her of my anxieties or that I get nervous meeting people. I'm going to hide that fact and see how I do without a forewarning of my insecurities. I may back out of that one as well.

I feel like I'm going to have a busy week and I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for it. I know I can do this. And I will be fine. Just have to keep telling myself that.

Well Then...

I'm not sure what to say anymore.

Things have been bad. Really bad.

I think I have been pretty stable and dealing with the shit that is happening to me very well, but I still feel like a bad person. Not good enough.

DBT is going well. I started a support group for sexual abuse survivors today. I'm hoping all this therapy stuff will do me some good. I want to go back to seeing Quinn really bad, but I haven't been able to afford it. I got a call from Health and Welfare and they said they are approving me for Medicaid. So hopefully I can start seeing him again, and I can actually go see a doctor.

I had some auditory hallucinations the other night. It scared me a bit, and I wanted to scream and wake up Ron, but I wasn't able to move or talk or do anything. We have a ballpark down the street and it just sounded like someone was talking on their loudspeaker for awhile during the night, which I know wasn't possible. I don't remember what was said, only that I was really freaked out. It hasn't happened again since, but I have been going through other shit that has put me down. I've fought off thoughts of hurting myself and have done very well with that.

Ron really puts me down sometimes. I'd like to discuss those issues further, but he gets mad when I put our personal shit out there, so out of respect for him, I don't.

I'm thinking of starting another private blog for my other thoughts, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that. I tried with Wordpress but I can't seem to figure out how it works. It seems like everything you do costs money there and I don't want one of their prefabricated blog layouts. Plus I don't know how to make entries password protected. If someone could help me out there, that would be much appreciated. (Nic! Come to my rescue :) )

I'm closing myself off because of the shit that is happening at home. I don't really talk to my friends anymore. I don't really socialize online either. I haven't been blogging and clearing my head, so things are just building up and I feel like I am ready to explode. I'm starting to get paranoid and feel unsafe blogging here.. sadly. I still want to keep it going, but not much has been happening on the mental health front. Just hanging in there I guess, living it day by day. Trying to stay positive about things and hope they work out.

I get lonely though. If anyone has a messenger and would like to chat, let me know. I'm realizing I need to reach out to people more and build a stable support system. Even if that means online friends. I'm up for anything at the moment.

I'm going to bed alone again. I just wish someone would hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but that's not happening anymore. Is that childish?

I guess I'll try to get some sleep now. We'll see how that goes...