Good Morning To Me

I'm actually awake before anyone else in my house is... for once. Its nice and quiet and I'm just enjoying my coffee.

I do believe I was nominated for an award by bpdisme, but unfortnately I don't think I can participate well mobile... no copy paste action for me.. I will see if I can pull it off a bit later but I can't guarantee anything. I hate being stuck mobile.

Things with Ron have calmed down a bit. He has said he is looking forward to being a better person and that if he has to lose me in the process, so be it... but that we could be friends regardless. We're sticking it out together to see what's going to happen.
When I called 911 on him and he went into the hospital they told him they would recommend a psych eval. They think he was drinking to hide other issues going on, which I agree. He has some anxiety problems and definitely some depression, but he has also admitted to hallucinations. They are thinking bipolar tendencies are involved.. which I would assume would be bipolar type I instead of type II like me. He says he has had it under control and he has been treated in the past for depression and anxiety with mild hallucinations. I'm not sure if he will follow through with the eval. They also recommended that we take a break. Dave, the mental hospital intake worker, who knows me as well, is just worried that we won't be able to handle each other since we both are going through our own issues right now. I'm staying positive about it and hope that we both can get our problems under control and we can support each other in our seperate battles with mental illness. I think Ron is in a bit of denial about it and thinks he can control it on his own as he has thus far. I'm hoping the elimination of alcohol will help him figure out what he has been covering up with it.

As for me, I have been slowly coming off of my Geodon. With no insurance and a discount card the med is still $500. I simply can't afford it and the pharmacist even told me it was ridiculous and no one can afford that monthly. So I need to make a call to Elizabeth to see what else she has in mind right now.

I was denied disability. I went and saw Quinn the other day and he said I should fight it as everyone gets denied the first time. In their denial letter they stated that "while you have some difficulties, you are still able to care for yourself and your son." If only they knew the difficulties I have...
My plan is to spend some of my 401k money down until I can apply for Medicaid. I really feel like I am turning into a welfare case and it bothers me a lot. But I know I need the help to get this bipolar beast under control and keep it that way.

Since coming off of the Geodon, I've noticed I am getting a bit manic. I have this urge to go spend money, which I need to anyways, but it scares me a little bit. I was bouncing around the house yesterday and couldn't seem to sit still. I've been trying to keep myself busy with things outside of the house with friends and I think that has helped me the most. So glad I have supportive friends on my side. I have a plan to go shopping today so hopefully I can get myself some things I need.

I have been journaling a bit and I have come to realize that I miss it a lot. Its just so different from blogging. When I blog, I feel like I write more of what I think people want to hear and less of my more personal thoughts. I'd like to change that. I just worry sometimes about putting things out there where anyone can read, especially since I'm not very private about my blog. Its listed on my Facebook where anyone I know can have access to it. I've thought about making a private blog, but I don't want to hide. I want to be able to admit that, hey, this is me, these are the struggles I go through and I have no shame about them, when really... I do. I am ashamed that I suffer from a mental illness and that I let it control my life sometimes. I'm ashamed that I am "crazy." I'm ashamed that I self injure. These are things most people who know me do not know. I've tried to be a bit public about it because afterall, it is who I am.

The sun is coming up and I'm sure my son will be awake soon. In fact, I think I hear him now... it was nice to have a peaceful, quiet morning for once instead of waking up at 11 like usual.

Have a good day/night everyone. I know I will ;)